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Humor in the News
August 2005 Archive
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A note about Katrina: Bad
things happen to good people. I love New
Orleans. Check out
http://www.roncastle.com/new-orleans-photography-photos.htm which
has been online for several months. I will add
another 40 photographs to this page, a salute to
friends down south I
don't even know. We all need a positive
vision. I am donating the money I would
normally spend on a long New Orleans vacation
weekend to the American Red Cross. My Dad lives
in Daphne, Alabama east of Mobile. He's OK, his
house is OK. Katrina came through Tennessee
night before last and yesterday, we are OK. I
am gritting my teeth this morning. Crying won't
help. I am determined to laugh for those who
have nothing to laugh about. This weekend, I am
working on putting together a convoy of folks to
haul food, water and whatever as far south as we
can take it and go help
somebody clean up something. Let's go do
some good.
August
31, 2005
Humour in the
News
Beats Me
Berlin's mayor Klaus Wowereit on
Tuesday fended off criticism for giving an
official welcome to a sado-masochism festival
expected to draw thousands of leather-clad
visitors to the German capital. The mayor said
he would be pleased to personally torture any
critics who were up for a fun weekend.
Beg
Your Pardon
Republican Governor Ernie Fletcher of
Kentucky refused to testify before a grand jury
Tuesday about his administration's hiring
practices which the prosecutor called a "corrupt
political machine" designed to install fellow
Republicans and other supporters in state jobs.
The governor issued pardons Monday to everyone
but himself. If you are going to plead the
Fifth, Ernie,
why not plead for a fifth of Kentucky bourbon?
Conn Game
Connecticut's top prosecutor is seeking an
arrest warrant for former Republican Governor
John G. Rowland amid an investigation into ties
between Rowland and state contractors. The
governor should be pretty easy to find, has been
in a federal prison in Pennsylvania since April
after pleading
guilty to a charge that he received more
than $100,000 in repairs to his cottage, private
flights to Las Vegas and Vermont golf vacations
in exchange for political favors. Convicted
Governor Bob "Free Golf" Taft, Kentucky Governor
Ernie "Ryder Cup 2008" Fletcher and former
governor Rowland are anxiously awaiting the next
scandal so they can put together a felonious
foursome. Golf is the root of all evil.
Get Faked
A Bloomington, Illinois woman sentenced earlier
this year to probation for faking cancer and
collecting money from fundraisers has been
arrested for allegedly deceiving her employers
with a similar scheme. She got the idea from
formerly working as a hooker faking orgasms for
money.
History Lessened
President George W. Bush returned to
San Diego for the fist time since his "Mission
Accomplished" speech in 2003 to tell Americans
that the same resolve that won World War II was
needed to defeat terrorism in Iraq. Comparing
Iraq to World War II is
a great Karl Roveian idea no doubt.
- If
attacking Japan and Germany was
based on fake
intelligence
- If we
executed pre-emptive strikes
against Germany and Japan
- If we
wrongly linked
aggressors
(like Saddam and Al Qaeda)
- If citizens
during World War II weren't making the same
sacrifices as the troops
- If the World
War II corporate community was
outsourcing jobs and
making obscene profits while
moving operations offshore to escape paying US
taxes
- If 1940's
personal taxes
were readjusted to benefit the wealthy
- If we left our borders open
so illegal immigrants including our enemies
could freely infiltrate our country
then
Dubya's comparison would be exactly right.
Thanks to Gomer Pyle
and World War II purple heart recipient and
fellow Texan, 86-year old John H. Brand,
for pointing out the dichotomy.
Cowgirl's Delight
South Dakota State University's rodeo
team gave the boot to its smokeless tobacco
sponsor. "Over the years the image of a cowboy
has always been accompanied by a Skoal can in
the back pocket," said rodeo coach Terry
McCutcheon. From now on, ladies, when you see
that big circle in a cowboy's back pocket, it just
might be a whopper of a condom.
Willie
Dunnit
A state prison guard arrested in
Olympia, Washington after a drunken brawl at a
nightclub may also be charged with urinating on
a
municipal jail computer, police said. Willie M.
Shannon reportedly relieved himself through a
protective screen onto a nearby computer
workstation causing $1,500 damage. The charge
will be a misdemeanor: using your willie for
pissing out Windows.
Mama Mia
The latest Dutch version of the reality show
"Big Brother" features a woman who's seven
months' pregnant and may give birth live on TV.
The name of the new show will be either
"Pregnant Moments" or
"Big Mother" and the government is
studying whether the show might violate any
labor laws.
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August
30, 2005
Humour in the
News
Prison
Party
It's
not even Labor Day and the first of the season's
new TV series makes its debut this week. First
up: Fox's "Prison Break", a story about corrupt
politicians taking a hiatus to Grand Cayman to
launder their loot.
Doing Hard
Time
San Antonio, Texas authorities are investigating
how a male inmate managed to lock himself up
with eight female prisoners at the Wilson County
Jail. "Everyone says nothing happened, they only
talked," Chief Deputy Johnie Deagen said
Thursday. Well, Chief, that's one definition of
intercourse.
Dishonesty
Rules
A top US Army contracting official who
criticized Halliburton's
non-competitive contract for work in Iraq
has been demoted for what the Army called "poor
job performance." Ms. Bunnatine Greenhouse's
attorney Michael Kohn, called the action an
"obvious reprisal" for the strong objections she
raised in 2003 against
Vice President Dick Cheney's former employer,
Halliburton, which has garnered more than $10
billion for work in Iraq. "She is being demoted
because of her strict adherence to procurement
requirements and the Army's preference to
sidestep them when it suits their needs," said
Kohn. President Bush's recent nomination of multi-billion
dollar Boeing scandal tainted Michael
Wynn to be Air Force secretary makes obvious the
new Department of Defense ethical conduct rules:
if you don't have the "right
stuff" to plunder
the public like a politician, you won't
be promoted at the DOD.
Handicapped
Taft
A majority of Ohio voters believe
Governor Bob Taft's ethics violations were
serious, but the state is split on whether he
should resign, according to a poll released
Sunday. The poll found 57 percent rated Taft's
performance as poor, while 27 percent said he
was doing a fair job. 92 percent said they
think all the free golf has improved the
hacker's handicap.
Golf is the root of all evil.
Potty
Training
Ever proper Singapore will open the
world's first toilet college to teach cleaners
how to improve their lavatory washing skills with
training certified by the Singapore-based
World Toilet Organisation. WTO president Jack
Sim said,
"We are going to train the toilet
cleaners to upgrade himself or herself to a
level where he or she can take care of the
entire toilet, and Dick Cheney's mouth."
F---ing
Serious
British tourists are driving residents
of one charming Austrian town bonkers by
constantly stealing the signs for their
oddly-named village. The residents of F---ing,
near Salzburg are failing to find the humor.
Cheeky British tourists armed with a sense of
humour and a screwdriver are being foiled by new
signs set in concrete. "We will not stand for
the F---ing signs being removed," says police
chief Kommandant Schmidtberger. "It may be very
amusing for you British, but F---ing is simply
F---ing to us. What is this big F---ing joke?"
Local guide Andreas Behmueller said it was only
the British that had a fixation with F---ing.
Guesthouse boss Augustina Lindlbauer described
the village's breathtaking lakes, forests and
vistas and said "Just this morning I had to tell
an English lady who stopped by that there were
no F---ing postcards."
An Arm And A
A Des Moines, Iowa man test-fitting a $17,000
artificial leg ran off without paying the bill,
police said. The man visited Spectrum
Prosthetics and Orthotics on August 19 to be
fitted for the prosthetic and "was allowed to
take it for a couple hours to ensure that the
fit was proper," a police report said. Police
figure they will get
the leg back the next time the
thief pays
for a tank of gasoline.
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August
29, 2005
Humor in the
News
Note from Ron: We are battening
down the hatches here this morning, Hurricane
Katrina is coming our way and it looks like we will
be right on target for the former eye of the storm.
Where I live here on the side of the mountain on the
Cumberland Plateau, we have nothing but forest, and
are always ready for trees downed by a storm and
potential power and phone outages. We are making
preparations for the ultimate red neck storm party
which is cold beer and chainsaws. We have preheated
the hot tub. Come on up and bring your chainsaw.
And now, here's the news:
Broads Walk
After 85 years the Miss America pageant is
waving farewell to the boardwalks of Atlantic
City for an undetermined new location due to
financial problems. Rumor has it the pageant is
outsourcing itself to China and that illegal
immigrant contestants will receive cosmetic
surgery, boob jobs and higher education from
American taxpayers, free of charge, of course.
Skirting The
Issue
Gyorgy Mitnyan, the conservative mayor of
Budapest's 12th district, has proposed a dress
code for City Hall employees under which only
women with "completely perfect legs" can wear
short skirts, while everyone else has to wear
blazers or suits. Mitnyan said he is tired of
being sexually
attracted to coworkers with thunder
thighs.
Ruffled
Feathers
A racing pigeon belonging to Britain's
Queen Elizabeth II has gone missing ahead of a
big race.
Pigeon-fanciers fear the young bird may
be flocking about with common pigeons. The
Queen said any bird of hers that flocks with
commoners is roasted with wild rice and
truffles, except Prince
Charles.
Cannonball
Express
David Smith Sr. staged a human
cannonball coup Saturday by shooting across the
U.S-Mexico border. He took flight from a
popular beach in Tijuana and soared 150 feet
landing in a net in San Diego. Smith's feat is
reportedly about "dissolving borders" between
the United States and Mexico. I guess no one
bothered to tell him the border is already
dissolved.
Queer
Religion
Reverend Fred Phelps and followers from Westboro
Baptist Church in Kansas drove all the way to
Smyrna, Tennessee to hold an anti-gay rally at
the funerals of two American soldiers killed in
Iraq.
Church members carried signs and shouted "God
hates fags" and "God hates you." Phelps says
soldiers are dying as vengeance from God for
protecting a country that harbors gays.
Unfortunately, when Phelps and flock were
baptized, they didn't hold them under long
enough.
Fore Score
Ohio Governor Bob Taft's memo about free golf at
ethics seminars for state employees in 2003 led
to his recent conviction. Prosecutors used the
document as the linchpin in their ethics case
against Taft, saying any golf freebies have to
be reported. Taft pleaded no contest last week
to charges of accepting free golf to become the
first Ohio governor convicted of a crime. Taft
says it's OK to play
free, just don't keep a scorecard. Golf
is the root of all evil.
Phil
T. Lucre
Ben Bernanke, President Bush's new top economic
adviser, says the United States economy is in
great shape. The trouble is the rest of the
world, where people want to save rather than
spend their money. Your share of Federal debt:
$145,000. Average American's credit card debt:
$7,200. Last
year's Federal deficit: $412 billion.
2005 projected trade deficit: $680 billion. War
in Iraq: A
billion a day. Frugal foreigners waiting
for your yard sale: Priceless.
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August
26, 2005
Humor in the
NewsSuck Session
Nine northeastern states are on the brink of an
environmental declaration of independence to
introduce mandatory controls on greenhouse gas
emissions of the kind rejected by the Bush
administration. To steal back global warming
denial command and control, the White House is
planning a combat video game starring the
Commander in Thief
titled "Knight of the Living Dud."
French Fried
Australian Member of Parliament Steve
Fielding urged a boycott of McDonald's fries
over the decision to import some of its potatoes
from New Zealand. Let's see, McDonalds is an
American company, french fries are, well,
French, and in Australia they aren't fries,
mate, they're chips. But it is good to see a
politician eating at cholesterol laden
McDonalds.
Crocodiles
Done
Flee
A Chinese wildlife farm has set up a hotline for
people to report sightings of 13 runaway
crocodiles who are likely to suffer as the
weather cools. So far hotline callers
have turned in 5
Gucci handbags and 4 pairs of Ralph Lauren loafers.
Warm-up Suit
Environmental groups and four U.S.
cities are suing two federal government agencies
that provide loans and insure billions of
dollars of U.S. investors' money for development
projects overseas such as power plants that emit
greenhouses gases causing global warming.
Problem is, global warming denial attorneys
defending the case on behalf of the Bush
administration may release more hot air than the
projects.
Three's Company
Chinese Communist Party Propaganda Head
Huang Dong was sentenced yesterday
to 18 years in prison after being convicted for
having three wives at the same time. He said 18
years was a good deal compared to the three
life sentences he has been serving.
Little Big Man
Thailand's Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra
wants to know which cabinet member reportedly
had penis enlargement surgery. A woman being
sued for claiming she was disfigured by a
cosmetic surgery clinic last week said a
minister had enlarging silicone injections
there, and appealed for him to come forward to
back her claims. It will be interesting to
watch the judge gavel the case to order in, of
all places, Bangkok.
Plan In Acting
Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff
said Tuesday that his department is drafting a
plan to determine how "once and for all" to deal
with illegal immigration
in states along the U.S.-Mexican border.
We were planning a plan to draft a plan. Then
we were planning to draft a plan. Now we are
drafting a plan. In the mean time, how about
closing the friggin border?
Stem Celled
A Christian evangelical group has begun
a weeklong advertising campaign in Iowa
criticizing Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist
for backing expanded embryonic stem cell
research. Frist said no
problem with the ads, it's Pat Robertson
he's worried about.
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August
25, 2005
Humor in the
NewsKilling Me
Televangelist Pat Robertson said his remarks
about assassinating Venezuelan President Hugo
Chavez were taken out of context and that he
never called for killing the Latin American
leader, despite his televised words to the
contrary. Robertson's new Christian
Coalition terrorist group, Al Jeezas,
will be will rigorously following
the 8 Commandments.
Pain In
The Gas
The Bush administration put forward a plan
Tuesday to make the United States's burgeoning
fleet of pickup trucks, minivans and sport
utility vehicles more fuel efficient, but the
plan, which would not be implemented until 2008,
exempts the largest SUVs, Hummers, and cars.
The Union of Concerned Scientists said, "The
administration's claim of saving 10-billion
gallons of gasoline with this proposal amounts
to less than one month's worth of gasoline saved
over 15 years." What we need are
more fuel efficient cars and less Bushit
flatulence.
We We We
"So long as I'm the president, we will stay, we
will fight, and we will win the war on terror," President
Bush told National Guard troops
and their families
yesterday. Considering the president is
spending 5 weeks vacationing, shouldn't he be saying 'they?'
I'll Be Amsterdamed
Dutch
billionaire TV
producer John de Mol will test the limits of
reality TV with a program in which a woman
searches for a potential sperm donor to conceive
a child. The proposed name for the show is "I Want Your Child
and Nothing Else!"
A gal named 'Yessica' will visit potential
donors and decide which man is most suitable;
then Yessica will be artificially inseminated.
So, you can watch Yessica interview jerk offs and
get a pelvic, or,
you can watch another show in the same time slot
about five retired hookers starting a cafe. I
love Amsterdam.
Not Nunny
Taiwan has withdrawn an anti-AIDS
campaign ad featuring a smiling nun holding a
condom after it sparked an outcry from Roman
Catholics. The poster saying "Although
I don't need one, even I know", has been removed
from all condom machines in Taipei hospitals,
subway stations and elsewhere
and has been replaced with a scowling
mother superior gripping
a pair of bloody
pruning shears saying "Use it or lose
it."
I'll Be Amsterdamed Too
The name of the new Dutch reality TV
show featuring a woman searching for a potential
sperm donor to conceive a child will be "I Want Your Child
and Nothing Else!"
Michael Jackson said, "I
can't believe they stole my line!"
BudaPests
Hungary's capital is launching a
$750,000 campaign to rid itself of dog
waste which lands
on city sidewalks and parks each year. The
city's 400,000 dogs produce 14,600 tons
of dog doolies
creating a health hazard and public nuisance. Campaign
ideas include public awareness TV
ads, dog waste disposal bins, sidewalk
cleaning machines, Korean restaurants and a dog
fighting arena over a sewage treatment
plant where canine
opponents bite the crap
out of each other.
I'll Be Amsterdamed Three
Believing that the new Dutch reality TV
show about a woman searching for a potential
sperm donor "I Want Your Child
and Nothing Else!" will
be a smashing success, producer John de Mol is
already planning a sequel. The show will
feature professional sperm donors and will be
called "I Want to Whack Off and Nothing Else!"
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August
24, 2005
Humor in the
NewsOld Soldier
As reported in the Army Times
news, the Defense Department has
quietly asked Congress to raise the
maximum age for military recruits to 42 for all
branches of the service, part of what defense
officials are calling a package of “urgent
wartime support initiatives.” President Bush,
who just celebrated his 59th birthday on July 6,
said, "Anything up to 58 is fine by me."
Old Soldier
Too
As reported in the Army Times
news, the Defense Department has
quietly asked Congress to raise the
maximum age for military recruits to 42 for all
branches of the service, part of what defense
officials are calling a package of “urgent
wartime support initiatives.” President Bush
ordered all the windows and doors in the White
House closed because he is "feeling a draft."
Down Pat
Assassination advocate and
televangelist Pat Robertson has created quite a
controversy with his call to murder Venezuelan
President Hugo Chavez. Robertson plans to
change the name of "The 700 Club" to Al Jeezas
and says his group will rigorously follow the 9
Commandments.
Fool Efficiency
The Bush administration announced new
rules calling for a slight increase in fuel
economy standards for minivans, pickup trucks
and sport utility vehicles starting in 2008, but
critics said the regulations are riddled with
loopholes that will encourage automakers to keep
building large gas-guzzling vehicles.
Automakers and oil companies responded the way
they always do to new efficiency standards, by
passing out big
perks and campaign contributions to
lawmakers.
Hanging Loose
Self-proclaimed war President
George W. Bush spent Tuesday at a resort
in the Idaho Rockies, mountain biking around a
rugged trail circuit before going fishing in a
small pontoon boat on a wind-whipped lake. "I'm
kind of hanging loose, as they say," Bush said
earlier outside his lodge at the Tamarack
Resort. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan want
to know when
they can 'kind
of hang loose, as
they say?'
Fat Chance
"Bulging waistlines are growing and
it's going to cost taxpayers more dollars
regardless of where you live," said Shelley
Hearne, executive director of Trust for
America's Health. It isn't clear if Hearne was
talking about the expanding American obesity
problem or reckless spending in Washington.
Meanwhile, in
sports:
Name Game
The NCAA has removed Florida State from its list
of colleges subject to restrictions on the use
of Native American names, mascots and imagery.
A Florida State spokesman said, "Sorry,
it's too late. We have already changed
our name to the NCAA Imbeciles."
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August
23, 2005
Humor in the
News
Lance A Lot
Cyclist Lance Armstrong vehemently
denies new accusations that he used
performance-enhancing drugs to win one of his
Tour de France victories. After his mountain
bike ride with President Bush on Saturday,
Lance did recommend performance enhancing drugs
for the president, mainly to help his approval
ratings.
Christian
Reich
Televangelist Pat Robertson suggested
during "The 700 Club" broadcast yesterday that
American operatives assassinate Venezuelan
President Hugo Chavez to stop his country from
becoming "a launching pad for communist
infiltration and Muslim extremism." President
Chavez suggested that someone assassinate Pat
Robertson to stop his country from becoming "a
launching pad for fascist infiltration and
Christian extremism."
Ass Ass
Innate
Former CNN political commentator Robert Novak
has contacted Televangelist Pat Robertson to see
if he can get back on the air via "The 700
Club". Novak stated "If it's OK to
advocate murdering
a foreign head of state on the air, surely they
will let me say bullshit?"
Child Run
Connecticut sued the U.S. government over
President Bush's No Child Left Behind law
yesterday. Connecticut Attorney General Richard
Blumenthal said, "This has nothing to do with
the president's screwed up education law. We
are suing to pre-empt the military draft."
Putz Putz
The Houston Chronicle reported yesterday that
Vice President Dick Cheney will stump at a major
fundraising gala for ethically challenged House
Majority Leader Tom DeLay on an
unspecified
date in mid September. A spokeswoman for Cheney
said that weather concerns precluded his office
from releasing the vice president's schedule
more than a few days in advance due to golf.
Golf is the root of all evil.
Blind
Ambition
Canadian health officials advised users of the
erectile dysfunction drugs Viagra, Cialis and
Levitra on Tuesday to "seek immediate medical
attention" if they experience sudden vision loss
when taking the medications. They
also recommended watching out for hair growing
in the palm of your hand and chronic fatigue.
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August
22, 2005
Humor in the
News
Summer Retreat
President Bush spoke to the Utah VFW today to defend
the war in Iraq in the face of growing skepticism,
asserting that "a policy of retreat and isolation
will not bring us safety from terrorism", unless you
are hiding from Cindy Sheehan.
Dumb and Dumber
Finally, a Democratic Congressman, William
Jefferson from New Orleans, has joined the horde of
GOP lawmakers under criminal investigation for
ethics violations and corruption. Republican Senate
Majority Leader Bill Frist was quick to point out
that Republicans control both the White House and
the Congress and don't intend to relinquish their
majority position in scandals any time soon.
Polecats
Congress' approval rating is at the lowest level in
a decade. In an early August AP-Ipsos poll 33
percent of respondents approved of the job that
lawmakers are doing, which is a lot better than the
MSNBC poll on Friday where only 6 percent of the
respondents approved of President Bush's job with
the war in Iraq. Not to be outdone,
private property rights opponent
Supreme Court Justice David Souter
is reportedly considering entering the "Race to
Zero."
Sack Of
Retirees Charles and Cheryl Gastorf in Brownsville,
Oregon accidentally forgot to pay $10 for 10 sacks
of Wal-Mart steer manure. When the City Attorney
did not press shoplifting charges, Wal-Mart sent the
Gastorfs a letter demanding $175 in civil damages.
Wal-Mart spokesman and former CNN commentator Robert
Novak stated, "Nobody gets away with bullshit if I
can't get away with bullshit."
Present Tense
Politically correct officials in Australia's
parliament back-pedalled furiously after a decision
last week to bar the building's security guards from
addressing visitors as "mate" sparked a nationwide
uproar. Conservative Prime Minister John Howard says
guards can once again use the term "mate" to address
visitors, but only as a noun.
Singapore Sexpo
Staid Singapore will host its first-ever Sex Expo in
November after receiving in-principle approval from
the tightly-controlled city-state's authorities. The
exhibition will feature an erotic toy section, an
exhibition on the history of condoms and for the
first time in public view, Sealy Posturepedic
mattresses.
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August 19, 2005
Humor in the
NewsCable Guy
After numerous service complaints to cable TV
service provider Comcast in Chicago, and rude
treatment from Comcast employees, Ms. LaChina
Govan received her Comcast bill addressed to LaChina
"Bitch Dog" Govan. Another complaining
customer received his bill addressed to Jeffery
"Scrotum Bag" Barnes. Comcast officials said it
shouldn't have happened and have apologized. "We
only use the actual customers'
names on the bill," said Comcast spokeswoman
Patricia "Kiss My Ass" Keenan.
Conservative
Compassion
Cindy Sheehan has abandoned her vigil to meet
with President Bush over the death of her son in
Iraq.
"I sympathize with Mrs. Sheehan," Bush told
reporters Thursday "I've thought long and hard
about her position. I sent her a personal note
written on the back of my copy of the Downing
Street
Memo."
Ca-Ca Do-Do
A malfunctioning electronic diaper used to
monitor wetness sparked a bomb alert in the
Heilbronn, Germany post office when it arrived
in a parcel ticking suspiciously. It is
supposed to beep, not tick, and was being
returned to the manufacturer for repairs. After
the all clear was given, three postal workers
and two police officers changed
their diapers.
G'Day Mate
Political correctness has moved down
under. Security guards at the Parliament House
in Canberra, Australia have been ordered to no
longer address visitors as "mate". The
opposition Labor Party branded the move
"un-Australian" and party leader Kim Beazely
said pressure on the guards to address people as
"sir" or "madam" was a reflection of the elitist
culture fostered under Prime Minister John
Howard's nine-year-old conservative government.
"Good on ya, mate" replied
Howard.
Taft Toll
Ohio Republican Governor Bob Taft
pleaded no contest to violations of state ethics
laws by failing to report golf outings and other
gifts valued at
over $6,000. Taft was fined $4,000 and
his golf clubs were sentenced
to 11 months 29 days in the county jail.
Golf is the root of all evil.
Air Farce
President Bush's nomination of Boeing
scandal tainted Michael Wynn to be Air Force
secretary is already hitting heavy Congressional
turbulence. Boeing's former CFO Mike Sears and
VP Darleen Duryan are in the slammer on
corruption charges related to the $23.5 billion
deal. The DOD inspector general in May faulted
Wynne for not requiring the Air Force to follow
proper procedures for the Boeing leases. The
White House has
reportedly found an honest man to fill
the job, the Pentagon's Chief Janitor. Problem
is, he doesn't play golf.
Taft Toll Too
Republican Governor Bob Taft says he won’t
resign because of his ethics violation
conviction and leaders in the GOP-controlled
Legislature say they will not initiate
impeachment proceedings.
Legislators are also pondering a name change for
capital city Columbus to Little Washington, Ohio.
Meanwhile, on
holiday:
Sex Mex
Under a new regulation 7,000 illegal
male and female sex workers in Tijuana, Mexico
must carry health cards with a computer chip to
show they have passed monthly health checks. Round
trip
airfare to Tijuana $600. Tickets to the
bullfights $50. Coming home without the clap, priceless.
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August 18, 2005
Humor in the
NewsStand By My Man
President Bush on Wednesday
downplayed the possibility of a large-scale
troop withdrawal from
Iraq next spring. "Pulling troops
out early would betray the Iraqis," Bush
said. "My position has been clear. As Iraqis
stand up, we'll stand down and that's why I
ordered hiding all the chairs in Iraq."
One in Hole
Republican Governor Bob Taft of
Ohio was charged with ethics violations
Wednesday for failing to report dozens of
gifts including free dinners, sports tickets
and up to
60 free golf games. Taft
becomes the first governor in Ohio history
to be charged with a crime, not because he
was the first to commit a crime. Everyone
has been too busy playing golf. Golf
is the root of all evil.
Corn Flake
Divorced upstate New York farmer Pieter
DeHond is advertising for a new mate
by planting a personal ad in his cow pasture in
50-foot tall cornstalk letters.
So far he has received proposals from 2 Holstein
heifers and a gay tractor salesman.
P is for Power
Singapore scientists reported they have invented
a urine-activated credit-card sized battery that
can be used in test kits. Budweiser
is already running ads saying drink more
beer and you may be eligible for renewable
energy tax credits.
Geez Us
With a
public approval rating of 17%, Republican Bob
Taft has set a record low for an Ohio governor.
Taft pal Thomas Noe has "misplaced" $13 million
from the Workers' Compensation Fund, the same
fund has lost $215 million investing in
politically connected high-risk hedge-funds, and
the folks managing these investments contributed
nearly $5 million to Republicans from 1997
through 2004, including $700,000 to Taft.
Fortunately, the governor is a Christian and the
official Ohio state motto is "With God All
Things Are Possible", including indictments.
Time
for Tee
Ethics are the new focus
at the GOP after Texas
Congressman Tom DeLay's pals lobbyist
Jack Abramoff and fund raisers Jim Ellis and
John Colyandro have
been indicted on various wire-fraud,
conspiracy and money laundering charges.
Republican stalwarts are showing their
ethical outrage for DeLay and friends by
scheduling a legal
defense fund benefit golf tournament at
the Springfield, Virginia Golf and Country Club.
To express your ethical outrage and
schedule a tee time,
please call lobbyist Mark Valente III at
1-666-666-6666. Golf is the root of all evil.
Meanwhile, in
Hollywood news:
Stirred
Not Shaken
Pierce Brosnan learned in a surprising
phone call yesterday that his services as Agent
007 James Bond will no longer be required.
Brosnan speculates it is due to his age and is
considering a new role in a geriatric thriller
starring as Agent 0052.
Virgin Merry
The new Hollywood sex comedy
"40-Year-Old-Virgin" is expected to be a big
box office hit. It's a story about a guy
whose zipper has been jammed since he was
13.
Natural Law
Jude Law's been caught with his
pants down again, but not while shagging his
children's nanny. This time a lurking
paparazzo got a picture of the full monty
when Jude was changing into a swimsuit while
on holiday in France. Despite all the
negative publicity, all of the ladies who
have seen the photo say his popularity is
still intact.
|
| |
August 17, 2005
Humor in the
News
Rat-A-Tat-Tat
A rat infestation may halt the opening of a
Ukiah, Utah elementary school where the rats are
reproducing faster than they can be exterminated.
The Capitol building in Washington has had the same
problem for years, but most of the rats are too old
to reproduce.
Bank Shot
Matthew Hattabaugh of Tulsa, Oklahoma has
been sentenced to five years in prison for wire
fraud after he persuaded people to invest more than
$650,000 in the fake bank he ran out of his
apartment. He said he was planning on eventually
buying a building that looks like a bank and that
his business plan was approved by Alan Greenspan.
Playing Chicken
The Vacaville, California animal sanctuary
and several humane societies have rescued more than
700 old hens from an abandoned egg farm.
McDonalds' stock price declined over fears that the
birds will compete with Chicken McNuggets.
Sleeping Around
Janesville, Wisconsin police discovered an
87 year old woman snoozing in a recliner at a
discount store with $60,000 cash in her purse.
Police were relieved to discover she was not Lauren
Bacall and that she wasn't waiting for Tom Cruise.
Laptop Dance
Virginia's Richmond International Raceway
went wild yesterday as 5,500 people stampeded to
purchase used laptop computers for $50 at a public
sale. People were thrown to the pavement, beaten
with a folding chair, nearly driven over and one
woman wet her pants rather than loose her place in
line. Sounds more like another Michael Dell staff
meeting tantrum.
Break Repair
Madonna's 47th birthday celebration was
marred Tuesday by a horse riding accident that
resulted in 3 cracked ribs, a broken collarbone and
injuries to her hand. She is thinking about
changing the title of her new book from 'Lotsa De
Casha' to 'Crasha De Lotsa'.
Poor Democrat
Senator John Edwards told a group of legislators on
Tuesday that voters will reward lawmakers who fight
poverty and stand up for the poor. Based on the
skyrocketing price of gasoline 91 percent of us will
be Democrats by the next election.
Defense Less
President Bush announced Tuesday that he has
promoted Michael W. Wynne, a Pentagon weapons buyer
to be secretary of the Air Force. In June, the
Pentagon's inspector general said Wynne was one of a
half-dozen top Pentagon and Air Force officials
responsible for a failed $23.5 billion deal to lease
and buy refueling tankers from The Boeing Co.
Lawmakers called the deal the most significant
defense contract abuse in decades. The White House
said 'no comment' to rumors that Karl Rove has
requested a transfer to the Defense Department
where scoundrels get promoted rather than
prosecuted.
|
| |
August 16, 2005
Humor in the
News
Pamper Me
London police said Monday they were
searching for a man wearing nothing but a diaper
who approaches women late at night and asks,
"Are there any baby changing facilities around
here?" Geez, if they
can't find this guy how are they going to catch
Al Qaeda?
Down With
Pork
Five-time defending champion Takeru Kobayashi
from Japan ate 100 pork buns in 12 minutes to
defeat five other contestants at a Coney Island
hot dog eating contest. He is the runaway
favorite to win tomorrow's defecate in a bucket
contest.
Down With
Pork Too
Five-time defending champion Takeru
Kobayashi from Japan ate 100 pork buns in 12
minutes to defeat five other contestants at a
Coney Island hot dog eating contest.
Congressman Tom Delay has reportedly offered
Kobayashi a staff position as a concealed pork
courier.
Ghost Buster
Redlands, California police say they
are tired of sending patrol cars to Mariposa
Elementary School in the middle of the night.
For more than 20 years, ghost hunters have
flocked to the school in the wee hours in hopes
of spotting the ghost of a boy that legend says
died in the school nurse's office.
Looks like Michael Jackson is going to
have to find another place to practice
streaking.
Sweat Set
About 600 people packed into a giant
sauna for Northern Michigan University's Finn
Fest on Saturday. An event spokesman said, "
This has nothing to do with the Guinness Book of
World Records. We are trying to get in shape
for global warming."
Smoke Me A
Bear
Gilberto Perez and Susan Roark were
arrested in California for mailing marijuana
filled teddy bears to Wisconsin. In Wisconsin
the teddy bears have been arrested for getting
stoned and going postal
across state lines.
Judge Rudey
The Nebraska Commission on Judicial
Qualifications has publicly reprimanded Douglas
County Judge John Huber for snide comments he
made from the bench. Huber violated the
Nebraska Code of Judicial Conduct, which
requires a judge to "be patient, dignified and
courteous." President Bush says Huber will be a
good Supreme Court nominee.
Unconstitutional
President George W. Bush downplayed a
delay in drafting an Iraq constitution on Monday
despite U.S. pressure. "Their efforts are a
tribute to democracy and an example that
difficult problems can be solved peacefully
through debate, negotiation, and compromise,"
Bush said in a statement. Too bad Dubya didn't
come up with this line before the invasion.
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| |
August 15, 2005
Humor in the
News
Cloning Position
Dog cloning scientist Woo Suk Hwang commented that
he cloned a dog because pressure from neo con right
wing Christian fundamentalists is diminishing dog
sex drive. Hwang stated, "Dogs are having a very
difficult time with the missionary position."
Passed Port
Indicted GOP lobbyist Jack Abramoff
surrendered his passport to a Federal judge in Los
Angeles on Friday. Lotta good that will do. With a
nice tan he can walk the Mexican border any time he
wants.
Guo vs Goliath
Chinese farmer Guo Jingkun is suing Volkswagen A. G.
to protect his intellectual property rights claiming
VW is using his patented anti-theft device in their
cars. If he wins, he plans to spend all the money
on Chinese pirated software and DVDs for his kids.
Make That A
Double
A rare bottle of Nun's Island 1913 Irish whiskey is
up for sale for a record 100,000 Pounds. Between
rising booze and gas prices only pork rich oil
company executives can afford to drive drunk.
In Dependence
The pork laden energy bill signed into law
by President Bush last week continues to draw
criticism. The President responded, "I can honestly
say this bill will end our dependence on foreign oil
by 2314."
Piggy Pork
Children's piggy banks were stolen from the
Trinity Lutheran Church in San Angelo, Texas on July
21. Pork-king Texas Congressman Tom DeLay says he
was nowhere near San Angelo on that date and has
witnesses to prove it.
Rent-A-Donkey
U. S. Marines have rented 30 donkeys from
local farmers to haul food and bottled water to
troops in remote mountains in eastern Afghanistan. A
Marine stated, "Donkeys are a logical choice to get
us out of this mess since the asses in Washington
got us into it."
Too Hot to
Handle
Federal Judge Loretta Preska in New York expressed
reluctance to begin oversight of pollution issues
that affect global warming. She said "It is too
damned hot to be thinking about global warming in
August."
|
| |
August 12, 2005
Humor in the
News
Miss Spelling
The Livermore, California City Council paid
Miami artist Maria Alquilar $40,000 to create an
educational mosaic full of famous names. She
misspelled 11 including "Shakespere and Eistein".
Now they are paying her another 6 grand plus travel
expenses to fix the mistakes. She said, "This is
better than winning the spelling bee."
Miss Spelling Too
The Livermore, California City Council
paid Miami artist Maria Alquilar $40,000 to
create an educational mosaic full of famous
names. She misspelled 11 including "Shakespere
and Eistein". Now they are paying her another 6
grand plus travel expenses to fix the mistakes.
Aquilar is outraged that the City Council did
not catch her spelling errors while she was
slaving on her hands and knees laying the
tiles. In a written statement she said, "Eye
yam bean tree ted lyke a sax refishal goate."
Jack's Jill
GOP lobbyist Jack Abramoff and former
Dial-A-Mattress franchise owner Adam Kidan were
indicted yesterday on 5 counts of wire fraud and
1 count of conspiracy. Inmates at San Quentin
said they are really excited about having some
new pals with Dial-A-Mattress experience.
Bad Golf Bad
Golf
Indicted GOP lobbyist Jack Abramoff
raised more than $100,000 for President Bush's
2004 campaign and thousands of dollars for
Representative Tom DeLay and other Republican
members of Congress, and along with Tom DeLay's
former press secretary, Michael Scanlon, is
accused by the Senate Indian Affairs Committee
of cheating 6 Indian tribes out of $66 million.
The worst part is that Abramoff is accused of
paying for golf trips for DeLay and Ohio
Representative Robert Ney, in violation of House
Ethics Rules. Obviously, golf is the root of
all evil.
More DeLays
Congressman Tom DeLay's Republican
Majority PAC director, Jim Ellis, was indicted
in Texas for money laundering in connection with
contributions for state legislative campaigns in
2002. DeLay called the investigation a political
witch hunt. Then, he hopped on his broom and
flew away.
WorldCon
Former WorldCom CFO Scott D. Sullivan was
sentenced to 5 years in prison yesterday for his
leading roll in the $11 billion accounting
fraud. He swears he has never even heard of
Dial-A-Mattress.
Elephantiasis
Seattle's Woodland Park Zoo is sending
an ill-tempered 38-year-old pachyderm to a
Tacoma zoo, where she'll join two other
elephants not known for their social graces.
The White House denies asking if Tacoma has room
for Karl Rove.
Meanwhile, on
holiday:
Heathrow Row
Up to 70,000 passengers are stranded at London's
Heathrow Airport because of a British Airways
baggage handler's strike. A United Airlines
spokesman said, "See, we're pretty good. We
only strand 20,000 passengers a day."
|
| |
August 11, 2005
Humor in the
News
Road Kill Road Bill
President Bush signed a $286 billion
six year transportation bill into law
yesterday. Economists estimate that for every
billion dollars spent on road construction,
nearly 48,000 jobs will be created, mainly at
the U. S. Treasury handing out pork to road
builders.
Can't Beet
Sweets
Many Afghan farmers are giving up
growing opium poppies for sugar beets. The CIA,
world's largest illegal trafficker of heroin
from Afghanistan, says based on the rising price
of sugar and obesity trends in the USA, they can
make more money smuggling sugar than dope.
Sweet Neo
Con
The Rolling Stones are bashing conservatives
with a new song, "Sweet Neo Con", on their
upcoming album "A Bigger Bang" which comes to
the US September 6. The Stones' American
bandmate, Keith Richards is "a bit worried"
about backlash because the guitarist lives in
the United States. The title of their next
album is "Get Rich Outta Gitmo".
Death by
Video Game
Minutes after finishing a 50-hour
on-line video game session, a South Korean man
died from exhaustion. Friends say he recently
quit his job as a porn film actor to spend more
time playing video games because he was
exhausted after 3 minutes.
Bilson on
Cruise Control
Actress Rachel Bilson is the latest celebrity to
slam Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' public
declarations of love. She said, "I think
everyone frowns on people having relationships
in the work place, so I was a little bit quiet
about it at first, but then I realized if I
don't talk about them, the press won't talk
about me."
Meanwhile, in
Sports:
More
Tomahawk Chops
The NCAA's ban on teams with Indian
names has upset more than a few folks. "If we
decide that the NCAA process is unfair and lacks
due process," Florida State Seminoles trustee
John Thrasher said, "then I think we ought to
sue 'em." The NCAA says can't do that, Sioux is
an Indian name.
|
| |
August 10, 2005
Humor in the
NewsCanned SPAM
As part of a legal
settlement last year, America Online and Microsoft
are confiscating
SPAMMER's assets and giving them away in
sweepstakes including $20,000 in gold bars, a
2003 Hummer H2 and $75,000 in cash. AOL and MSN
executives said this is so much fun now they
want to run for Congress.
Officials Grafting Away
An independent panel investigating allegations of
corruption in the U.N.'s oil-for-food program for
Iraq accused the program's former chief Monday of
taking kickbacks and another ex-official of
soliciting a bribe. The investigators said it was
pretty easy to catch these guys, since they are the
only UN diplomats who have paid all their NYC
parking tickets.
Bush Signs Bill
President Bush signed the energy bill on Monday
saying it would "eventually help every American" as
soon as the trickle down effect kicks in from the
$11.5 billion in pork and tax breaks corporate
energy executives will spend on vacation homes,
yachts and SUVs.
Pirro Pictures
New York Senator wannabe Jeanine Pirro's campaign
website has no mention or photos of her husband,
Albert, a lawyer-lobbyist who spent 11 months in
Federal prison for tax fraud. An unnamed staffer
explained that the FBI took them and they
are still on the most wanted board down at the Post
Office.
Meanwhile, in Hollywood:
Jolie's Baby is the Pitt's?
Rumors are flying today that 'Tomb Raider'
star Angelina Jolie moved into Brad
Pitt's Malibu mansion last month because she is
pregnant with his child. A source said "They spend
hours in the bedroom and just don't seem to be able
to get enough of each other." Sounds like whatever
Brad has been raiding, it rhymes with Tomb?
Shutterbug Throwing Spears
The photographer who was shot in the thigh with a
pellet gun at Britney Spear's Malibu estate over the
weekend now says he is suing the star. He says that
if we gets more than a million bucks he is changing
his name to the B. B. King.
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| |
August
9, 2005
Humor in the
News
Crude oil futures
traded above $64 a barrel in New York
yesterday. President
Bush down at the Crawford Ranch said he wasn't
worried too much about gasoline prices as long as
people are willing to pay $20 a gallon for
bottled water.
AOL Casting
Wildseed
AOL is acquiring wireless software
maker Wildseed, a deal that could help AOL embed
its services in cellular phones sold by wireless
carriers. That's just what we need, more crappy
Almost On Line services screwing up the
cellular internet.
Prime Minister Calls
Snap Election
Japanese
Prime Minister Koizumi has dissolved the
House of Representatives for a snap
general election after the House voted
down privatizing the Japanese postal
system. President Bush wanted to
know if he can do the same "snap" thingie to
Congress for not privatizing Social
Security.
Maytag
Caught in Whirlpool
Whirlpool could become the world's largest
domestic appliance manufacturer after yesterday
increasing its offer for Maytag. The Whirlpool
board advised that part of the deal is the
Maytag Repairman has to go. They aren't
shelling out $2.6 billion to have some old guy
sitting on his duff with nothing to do.
Protesters Camped at Crawford
Iraq war protestors
are enduring the Texas summer heat outside the
Bush Ranch until the President meets with them.
The President has refused any meeting thus far
because he thought they were from Mothers
Against Drunk Drivers.
Meanwhile, in
Hollywood:
Shoot the
Shutterbug
A sneaking
photographer at Britney Spear's Malibu estate
was shot in the leg by a pellet gun over the
weekend. Britney said being blonde isn't all
it's cracked up to be, and that the guy at the
gun store swore she was buying a 44 Magnum.
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| |
August
8, 2005
Humor in the
News
Clone Dog
Development
As announced last week, the world's
first dog cloner, South Korean scientist Woo Suk
Hwang, is already working on further
improvements. Hwang stated, "I think my new
self basting dog should be really popular."
Stem Cell
Debate
Senate
Majority Leader Bill Frist revealed over the
weekend the real reason President Bush is so
opposed to stem cell research is that
advancements could lead to Democrats with
backbones and Republicans with hands in their
own pockets.
No News
Novak
Thursday afternoon
Robert Novak stormed off the set of CNN's
"Inside Politics" and was suspended for cursing
at James Carville. Novak cried foul saying, "I
don't see why I can't say bullshit on CNN? We
all know TV news is bullshit and nobody
suspended Dick Cheney for using the F word on
C-SPAN."
West Wing Ethics
Plan
Unconfirmed sources received a leaked copy of
the new "White House Top 10 Ethics Guideline"
for staffers dealing with ethically 'difficult'
situations like leaking the name of a CIA agent.
If an ethical question arises:
10. Blame it on Al Qaeda, Al Gore, Al Sharpton
or Al somebody.
9. Get Scottie McClellan to say "I can't talk
about this" 47 times in one press conference.
8. Deny wrong doing
as long as you can or until after the next
election.
7. Say, "I did what Jesus would do."
6. Move in with Judith Miller.
5. Pay off Congress
to change the law with slush money from
corporate donors.
4. Ask Ted Kennedy to
give you a lift out to Chappaquiddick.
3. Call Bob Novak and ask him to say bullshit on
CNN again.
2. Wait for Dubya to award you the Presidential
Medal of Freedom.
1. Pray for a
Presidential pardon in early January 2008 or
before impeachment, whichever comes first.
Liar Liar
Pants on Fire
Despite the fact
that Tony Blair admitted the Downing Street Memo
is real, in an AP-Ipsos poll on Friday 48% of
Americans still think President Bush is honest,
which goes to show that you can fool some of the
people all of the time.
Intelligent
Design
On Friday President George W. Bush
invigorated creationists opposed to teaching
evolution saying that schoolchildren should be
taught about "intelligent design," but he
couldn't think of any reasons why.
And meanwhile, in
sports:
Tomahawk's Chopped
The NCAA announced
yesterday no more Indian names could be used by
college teams in postseason tournaments.
Florida State Seminoles coaching legend Bobby
Bowden said in a statement,
"This will make the post season tougher. Most
Florida Gators players flunk out cause they
can't spell Seminoles."
|
| |
August
5, 2005
Humor in the
News
GOP Lawmakers
Embrace Spending
GOP leaders this week
sent House Republicans home for the summer with some
political tips for "talking points", one of them
being that Republicans approved nearly $300 billion
in new pork and tax breaks. Republican lawmakers say
they are determined to claim full credit for
their spending. If you have a 125% mortgage on you
house, upside down loans on at least 2 SUV's,
have maxed out all your
credit cards and spent all your savings, you
can brag about being a conservative, too.
Congressman
Bullying Climate Scientists
Congressman Joe Barton from Texas, chairman
of the House Committee on Energy and Commerce, has
launched a full-fledged investigation of three
climate scientists for publishing papers concluding
that temperatures in the last 20 years were the
warmest in 10 centuries. The scientists suggested
Barton turn off his air conditioner, watch the
Weather Channel and explain why since 1984 he
is consistently among the top five recipients of oil
industry campaign contributions.
First Clone Dog
South Korean scientist
Woo Suk Hwang of the Seoul National University is
the first person in the world to clone a dog. "It's
a good thing we finally got this figured out," Hwang
stated, "because my wife has a really big family and
they are all coming over for dinner this weekend."
Martha Still
Tethered
|
| |
August 4, 2005
Humor in the
News
California Supreme Court Rules for Gay Couple
In a unanimous decision,
the Court said that lesbians Birgit Koebke and her
partner Kendall French are entitled to the same
rights as married couples at the Bernardo Heights
County Club in San Diego. Club management says they
will have to go along with the ruling, but still
wonder how the gals are going to play golf and
tennis without balls.
Astronaut
Removes Dangling Cloth From Shuttle's Belly
Astronaut Stephen
Robinson walked into space this morning and removed
a worrisome dangling cloth on the belly of shuttle
Discovery. Upon hearing the news, vacationing Brad
Pitt immediately contacted NASA to see if the same
technique could be used on Angelina Jolie's thong.
Bush Unswayed by Frist
on Stem Cell Research
President George W. Bush
on Wednesday reiterated his threat to veto any
legislation that would use federal funds to destroy
human embryos for stem cell research after Senate
Majority Leader Bill Frist broke with Bush on the
subject. "I'm confident that I have achieved the
right balance between science and ethics," Bush
stated, "and Dr. Seuss and Tom Delay both agree with
me."
Palmeiro to
Give Drug Test Info to Congress
Baltimore Orioles slugger Rafael Palmeiro
will release information regarding his recent failed
drug test to the U. S. Congress. Government Reform
Committee chairman Tom Davis and ranking Democrat
Henry Waxman said they hoped the information could
be used to order steroids for Congress and get them
off their asses to hit a few out of the park for the
American people for a change.
Bolton Appointment
Wednesday's London Financial Times headline
stated "A bull in a china
shop: Bolton’s appointment is controversial but not
doomed - yet". The article further stated they
couldn't say the same about the bull in the White
House.
Bush Says Rove is
Valuable
In his
strongest defense yet of CIA leaker Karl Rove,
President Bush said on Monday,
"Karl’s got my
complete confidence. He’s a valuable member of my
team." You'd be saying that, too, if you
were fighting to keep your brain from being
indicted, tried and sent to prison.
|
| |
August 3, 2005
Humor in the
News
APPCDC Makes Alphabet Soup of Kyoto Treaty
The
Asia-Pacific Partnership on Clean Development
and Climate announced last week as a US-Asian
alternative to Kyoto is not binding, has no
targets for carbon reduction, details no
timelines and contains no penalties for
defaulters. The architect of the agreement is
Jim Connaughton, chairman of
the White House Council on Environmental
Quality. Before joining the White House staff,
he was an attorney representing major
manufacturers and oil and mining companies.
Apparently he forgot to tell President Bush that
he still is an attorney representing major
manufacturers and oil and mining companies?
CAFTA Signed
President Bush signed the Central American Free
Trade Agreement yesterday, praising it as a way
for the people of Central America to finally get
access to more U.S. goods… because there
are huge crowds of Hondurans dying to pay $65
for the same Polo shirts they were paid 6 cents
an hour to make in the first place.
Lying Can Help You Lose Weight
In a paper published in yesterday's edition
of the Proceedings of the National Academy
of Sciences, a team led by psychologist
Elizabeth Loftus of the University of
California, Irvine, found that it could
persuade people to avoid fattening foods
by lying about an unpleasant memory about
food -- even though the event never
happened. Perhaps this helps to explain the
real skinny about WMD's in Iraq and why
President Bush got such good marks on his
recent physical exam.
Energy
Bill Passes
Congress
finally passed Dick Cheney's energy bill that
makes us more dependent on dirty energy and
hands out over 8.5 billion of your tax dollars
in Corporate Pork. Representative Tom DeLay, under
criminal and House ethics investigation, managed
to slip a provision into the bill at the very
last minute to enrich an oil and gas consortium
in his district to the tune of $1 billion. DeLay
says the money will be used to make Texas the
world's number one producer of bio-diesel
rendered from Corporate Pork Fat, and that he
hopes to get a job at the plant as soon as he is
eligible for work release from prison.
Meanwhile, it's
getting hot in Hollywood:
Bacall Says Cruise Is Sick
81-year
old Hollywood legend Lauren Bacall has attacked
Tom Cruise as 'shocking, vulgar and sick' for
exploiting his private life to promote his
movies. Cruise responded by asking Bacall if
she is up for a weekend in the sack because he
has another movie he wants to promote.
Jen Bashes Brad
Jennifer Aniston is criticizing her estranged
husband Brad Pitt, saying he has a "sensitivity
chip missing"... not unlike the acting chip
she's been missing all her life.
|
| |
August 2, 2005
Humor in the
News
Bolton Appointed
After 6 months of wrangling without progress with
the U. S. Congress, President Bush has used a recess
appointment to make John Bolton U.S. Ambassador to
the UN. Bush justified making this appointment
without Congressional approval as good practice for
when the Patriot Act is fully in force and he has to
make all the decisions himself because there won't
be any Congress. "This is hard work." stated the
President.
Juvenile Jail
Report
A new report shows that sexual assaults occur much
more often in juvenile prisons than adult jails.
Upon hearing the news, Michael Jackson immediately
contacted California prosecutors and offered to
change his plea to guilty provided he can be sent to
juvenile prison.
GM Shifts
Pricing Strategy
General Motors is discontinuing its "employee
discounts for everyone" program and is now just
going to cut prices across the board. If this
doesn't work, GM is considering actually making some
cars that don't suck and get more than 15 miles per
gallon.
Ford and
Chrysler Eyeing Pullout
Executives at
DaimlerChrysler and Ford are thinking about
cancelling their participation in the new movie
"Grand Theft Auto II" over concerns that "it will
look pretty bad" if no one wants to steal their
cars.
Meanwhile, in sports:
Palmeiro Busted
Major League Baseball has suspended Orioles slugger
Rafael Palmeiro for testing positive for steroids.
Now, if Palmeiro wants to use drugs to help him
score, he'll just have to settle for Viagra, Cialis
or Levitra.
White House
Supports Palmeiro
White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan
issued a sympathetic statement yesterday that
President Bush believes his old baseball pal Rafael
Palmeiro when he says he didn't intentionally use
steroids, even though he tested positive. Palmeiro
issued a statement saying that there really are
WMD's in Iraq, that the Downing Street Memo is a
fake and that Karl Rove didn't out CIA Agent Plame
or lie to the Grand Jury.
|
| |
August 1, 2005
Humor in the
News
Pumped-Up Hurricanes
Scientists around the
world agree that hurricanes have definitely become
stronger in recent years, but they can't agree
whether it's because of global warming or
because hurricanes need to be stronger to get as
much cable news coverage from Fox and CNN as missing
teens and runaway brides.
Bible Study Decision
A Texas school board has
voted to allow a Bible study course to be included
in its public high school curriculum. It's not
clear who's happier with the decision, right wing
evangelical Christians, or high school students in
China and India who are excelling at unimportant
subjects such as math and science and will be even
more likely to take over those Texas kids' jobs in
about 5 years.
Wendy's Donut Deal
Wendy's has decided to
sell part of its holdings in the Tim Horton's Donuts
chain. Wendy's is hedging its bets by taking the
profits from that sale and investing in prescription
heart medication and weight loss clinics.
Frist Flip Flops on
Stem Cells
My very own Senator from
Tennessee, Republican Senate Majority Leader Bill
Frist has suddenly changed course and is now
supporting a bill funding stem cell research. Frist decided
to cross swords with the Bush Administration on stem
cell research after he assessed his own presidential
chances and learned what it's like to be severely
disabled.
Meanwhile, in
Sports:
Mets Don't Get Manny
The Boston Red Sox
have decided not to trade slugger Manny Ramirez
to the New York Mets. Rumor has it t | | |
