November 10, 2005

Not Humor in the News

 

 

October 14, 2005
Humor in the News

 

Even More Crony Phony Baloney: Sale the 7 Cs
The National Park Service started this week using a political loyalty test for picking its top civil service hires according to National Park Service Director Fran Mainella.  Under the new order, which comes from the President's Management Agenda, all mid-level managers and above must be approved for the job by a Bush administration political appointee.  The President’s Management Agenda includes policies and proposals such as aggressive use of outsourcing to replace civil servants, reliance on “faith-based initiatives” and rollbacks of civil service rights. Interior Secretary Gale Norton’s “4Cs” is a slogan she uses to express her management approach: “4 Cs: communication, consultation, cooperation, all in the service of conservation.”   Actually, it's 7 Cs:  Gail left off conservative, crony and Christian.  Or maybe it should be the 8 Cs?  I forgot criminal.

 

October 13, 2005
Humor in the News

 

Trash Your Vote
Virginia GOP gubernatorial candidate Jerry Kilgore was involved in a major scandal involving George W. Bush's brother Marvin Bush, a northern Virginia investor. Marvin Bush is the co-founder of McLean-based Winston Partners, an investment and hedge fund firm that invested heavily in the now-bankrupt National Waste Services, operator of the Battle Creek landfill in Page County, Virginia. During 2003 National Waste Services was exceeding its daily dumping quota of 250 tons by 600 percent. Kilgore, the then-Attorney General of  Virginia, postponed a crucial administrative court hearing on the environmental infraction  because of his close ties with the Bush family. On March 4, 2004, NWS filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy in Delaware to get off the enviro-hook.  From Karl Rove's perspective, Kilgore makes a perfect neocandidate.

 

Stock It To Me
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist has been subpoenaed to turn over personal records in an investigation into possible insider trading, The Washington Post reported on Thursday.  Authorities are looking into Frist's recent sale of shares of hospital operator HCA Inc., co-founded by Frist's father and brother. The sales took place just days before HCA's stock price fell on a disappointing July 13 profit outlook.  The shares in question were not held in a blind trust as required by Senate ethics rules, they were held in a unreported outside trust managed by Frist's brother, who is also the head of HCA.  When the SEC gets through with the investigation, will he be Bill Frisked?

 

Financial Vice
Vice President Dick Cheney told "Meet the Press" in 2003 that he didn't have any financial ties to his former employer: “Since I left Halliburton to become George Bush's vice president, I've severed all my ties with the company, gotten rid of all my financial interest," the Vice President said. "I have no financial interest in Halliburton of any kind and haven't had, now, for over three years.”  I guess stock options don't count.  Cheney continues to hold 433,333 Halliburton stock options that have risen 3,281 percent in the last year.  Cheney's options -- worth $241,498 a year ago -- are now valued at more than $8 million and he has $740,979 in deferred salary.  “Halliburton has already raked in more than $10 billion from the Bush-Cheney Administration for work in Iraq, and they were awarded some of the first Katrina no bid contracts," Senator Frank Lautenberg said in a statement. "It is unseemly for the Vice President to continue to benefit from this company at the same time his Administration funnels billions of dollars to it. The Vice President should sever his financial ties to Halliburton once and for all.”  The rot starts near the top.

 

Four More Years
Conservative humor readers will be pleased to know that former Representative Frank Ballance was sentenced Wednesday to four years in federal prison for conspiring to divert taxpayer money to his law firm and family through a charitable organization he helped start.  Ballance, a 63-year-old Democrat who was a state senator before being elected to Congress in 2002, agreed to repay $61,917 and to forfeit $203,000 in a bank escrow account in the name of the phoney nonprofit.  You guessed it.  Ballance is a golfer.  Slicer or hooker, doesn't matter.  Golf is the root of all evil.

 

Panty Poll
UK ladies are deserting g-strings in favor of more substantial undergarments.  Consumer research group Mintel said on Wednesday that spending on thongs has fallen 14 percent since 2003.  Instead, women are opting for boy shorts, maxi pants or French knickers, Mintel suggested, adding that the "control bottom" sector was also in good shape.  I can only imagine.

 

Threat Set
Assassination advocate and religious broadcaster Pat Robertson, who has endorsed Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers, issued a warning to conservative senators who might be thinking of voting against her. "They're going to turn against a Christian who is a conservative picked by a conservative president and they're going to vote against her for confirmation? Not on your sweet life, if they want to stay in office," he said.  Looks like Robertson's terrorist group Al Jeezas and the Eight Commandments are back in action.

 

October 12, 2005
Humor in the News

 

More Crony Phony Baloney
Julie L. Myers, the lawyer nominated to take over the immigration enforcement agency, moved a step closer to confirmation on Friday when a crucial Senate committee rejected questions about her résumé and endorsed her nomination by a 7-to-2 party-line vote.  Ms. Myers's qualifications had been questioned by senators from both parties after President Bush nominated her in June to head the 14,200-employee Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency.  Ms. Myers, 36, has not dealt extensively with immigration issues or managed a large department before.  Ms. Myers joins the ranks of sound alike Harriet Miers, Michael Chertoff, Michael Brown and Stewart Simonson as examples of Bush loyalists recommended for jobs out of context with their backgrounds and exceeding their qualifications.  Other GOP loyalists are steering clear of President Bush because apparently, if you get within 100 feet of him, he will nominate you for something.

 

Conflicted Frist
Outside the blind trusts he created to avoid a conflict of interest, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist earned tens of thousands of dollars from stock in a family-founded hospital chain largely controlled by his brother.  The Tennessee Republican, whose sale this summer of HCA Inc. stock is under federal investigation, has long maintained he could own HCA shares and still vote on health care legislation without a conflict because he had placed the stock in blind trusts approved by the Senate.  Well, Bill, it sort of looks like a conflict when your brother, Thomas, served as president of your partnership's management company and as a top officer of HCA.  Frist ordered his stock sold June 13 and all sales were completed by July 1. HCA stock peaked on June 22 and then gradually declined. On July 13, it dropped 9 percent.  Reports to the SEC showed insiders sold about 2.3 million shares of HCA stock worth at least $112 million from January through June 2005.  Royalty should not be accountable to the unwashed masses.

 

Thinking the Unthinkable
For nearly a quarter century, Karl Rove has been George Bush's political mentor. Bush calls him "the architect," the "boy genius." Others have called him "Bush's brain."  Now, with a federal grand jury nipping at Rove's heels in its CIA leak investigation, the president may have to contemplate the previously unthinkable: managing without his right-hand man.  The president could always pardon Karl.  Cain't have yo brain in jail.

 

Counting Sheep

Do you have accounting skills and are you familiar with the bureaucracy of the European Union? Perhaps a career as a shepherd on the plains of southern Hungary beckons.  The "puszta" flatland, traditional home to more than a million sheep, is running out of qualified shepherds and is now importing them from neighboring Romania.  Prospective shepherds must have accountancy skills and be capable of applying for grants.  Get with the program and you can earn your Shee P A.

 

Party's Over?
President George W. Bush's iron-clad grip on his Republican Party appears to be slipping, analysts said, as formerly stalwart supporters break with the White House on issues ranging from tax cuts to US security policy.  "It's the first time we have seen it since Bush became president," said Larry Sabato, director of the Virginia-based Center for Politics.  "It's starting early, and that's bad news for Bush," he said.  With defiance unseen since he's been in the White House, scandal tainted Republicans have reined in the treatment of foreign detainees, forced it to jettison no-bid post-hurricane reconstruction contracts and given Miers a tepid welcome as Bush's choice to replace Justice Sandra Day O'Connor.  Geez, you might begin to think there is an honest election coming up?

 

Double-Barreled Defense
The George and Laura show went on the road Tuesday in defense of Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers.  "Harriet Miers is going to be confirmed and people will get to see why I put her on the bench," Bush said in a television interview on NBC's "Today" show.  The president said Miers is the most qualified candidate for the job, and Mrs. Bush agreed: "Absolutely. Absolutely. She's very deliberate and thoughtful and will bring dignity to wherever she goes, but certainly to the Supreme Court," Mrs. Bush said. "She'll be really excellent."  Well, I don't know about you, but I am suddenly convinced.

 

October 11, 2005
Humor in the News

 

Sex Card
First Lady Laura Bush joined her husband in defending his nominee to the U.S. Supreme Court on Tuesday and said it was possible some critics were being sexist in their opposition to Harriet Miers.  "That's possible, I think that's possible," Mrs. Bush said when asked on NBC's "Today Show" whether criticism that Miers lacked intellectual heft were sexist in nature.  Laura, your blonde roots are showing.  Or, are you reading from the script Karl gave you?

 

Love Street Journal
The Wall Street Journal's D.C. bureau ran a Karl Rive story on page A4 today.  Keep in mind that Rove is President Bush's 'architect' and that Bush's job approval rating is hovering in the 30's, that Rove's fingerprints were all over this year's Terri Schiavo fiasco, as well as the dead-and-buried Social Security reform campaign, that he's having trouble attracting serious GOP candidates for 2006 races, that the White House has just made perhaps the most costly Supreme Court nomination in 40 years, and that Rove himself may soon be indicted on criminal charges. How does a conservative rag play the story? Rove-as-political-genius, of course.  How neo loverly.

 

Upstaged Governator
Senator John McCain joined Arnold Schwarzenegger on Monday to promote the California governor's November ballot initiatives, but afterward chided his carefully staged campaign events.  McCain appeared with the governor before a crowd of about 150 invited women, who cheered wildly when Schwarzenegger arrived and frequently applauded as he touted the benefits of California initiatives.  Outsiders were not allowed to attend what the governor's office called a "town hall meeting" at a hotel near Oakland's airport.  Arnold is following the Bush-Cheney 2004 campaign strategy of only preaching to the chosen choir of harmonious admirers, a technique perfected over 60 years ago by another German speaking fellow with a funny little moustache.

 

Wax Man
Pop legend Michael Jackson pleased the tourists in London and caused pandemonium at the famous waxworks museum Madame Tussaud's on Sunday evening.  It wasn't clear if Michael was there to see if his likeness has kept up with his latest surgery, or if he was looking for ideas for his next surgery, or if he was just standing in for his wax-alike while they did the laundry.

 

Parliamentary Pugilists
A scuffle broke out in Taiwan's rowdy parliament over an opposition bill on Tuesday, with lawmakers exchanging punches and a flying mobile phone leaving one with a bloodied eye.  Taiwan's parliament is notorious for fights, with many lawmakers enjoying the media attention when punches are thrown. Chairs, shoes and food have also flown across the chamber on occasion.  Last week, two women lawmakers pulled each other's hair as their male colleagues occupied the speaker's podium, pounded tables and shouted "Dissolve the parliament."  If American lawmakers would follow Taiwan's example,  C-Span could lead the ratings and with a little advertising, we could pay off the national debt: CongrestleMaina.  I'd watch.

 

Innocent Appeal
Long before his criminal case gets a hearing in a court of law, Representative Tom DeLay is fighting in the court of public opinion. With his trademark zeal, he assails the prosecutor in one sentence and portrays himself as a victim in the next. And the media — often distrusted by fellow conservatives — is his bullhorn.  "I know when you stand up for what you believe in, this kind of thing is going to happen," DeLay boasted on a Houston radio show.  DeLay's media machine kicked into gear in similar fashion last year after he was admonished by the House Ethics Committee on a complaint brought by former Representative Chris Bell.  The ethics committee found DeLay created an appearance of impropriety by meeting with members of an energy company while legislation they were interested in was pending. DeLay also was accused of offering to back the campaign of a lawmaker's son in exchange for his vote for the Medicare bill and using the Federal Aviation Administration to track down Democratic Texas state legislators who had fled to Oklahoma to prevent a quorum on a redistricting bill DeLay supported.  DeLay, fellow Republican lawmakers and his supporters claimed victory, saying the committee exonerated him, even though the committee actually admonished DeLay and warned him in a letter to "temper your future actions."  Apparently, Tom can't take a hint.

 

October 10, 2005
Humor in the News

 

Mr. Gay! USA!
In a cliffhanger competition at the Riviera Resort in Palm Springs, California over the weekend, the first ever Mr. Gay 2006 International title was captured by San Diego's Jesse Bashem.  The title for Mr. Congeniality was awarded to Palm Springs resident Robert (Bobby) Ficco Jr., leading Palm Springs Mayor and competition judge Ron Oden to say, "How gratifying to see a Palm Springs resident recognized for what the city prides itself on, a friendly nurturing community to all the world's visitors."  It would have really sucked if Bobby hadn't won something.

Rovean Empire

"One may smile, and smile, and be a villain" said Hamlet.  Smiling Senate Republicans voted to gut the Community Services Block Grant program on Friday by a vote of 53-39 without a single Republican voting in favor.  Democratic Senator Tom Harkin's block-grant-related amendment to a continuing resolution to fund the government for the next seven weeks was shot down in flames on the Senate floor.  "These cuts to essential programs for needy families and children, including victims of Katrina, are callous and ill-advised," Harkin said.  Ye shall see more smiles as Republicans support the next vote for yet another un-rendering unto Caesar for the wealthy.  That's a tax cut, heathens.  And for ye right winged Christians, "Verily I say unto you, inasmuch as they for whom ye have voted have done unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done unto me."

 

Tour De Backpedal
A former doctor with Lance Armstrong's cycling team has issued a statement to retract earlier comments he made suggesting members of the American team were doping during the big race.  However, Armstrong was found to have illegal banned substances in his possession during the Tour according to French authorities: deodorant, toothpaste and shampoo.

Para Guano
Controversy is raging in Paraguay, where the US military is conducting secretive operations. Five hundred US troops arrived in the country on July 1, 2005 with planes, weapons and ammunition. Eyewitness reports prove that an airbase exists in Mariscal Estigarribia, Paraguay.  White House officials are using rhetoric about terrorist threats in the tri-border region where Paraguay, Brazil and Argentina meet in order to build a case for military operations, a sort of Downing Street Memo idea but without the complicity of Tony Blair.  That's right, you guessed it.  Near the Estigarribia airbase are Bolivia's natural gas reserves, the second largest in Latin America.  There ARE terrorists in the tri-border region, and they all look like Uncle Sam energy junkies.  We gonna kick your gas.

 

Supreme Intervention
A Dallas minister asked Harriet Miers' fellow worshippers on Sunday to pray for her as she prepares for public scrutiny and intense political debate over her nomination to the Supreme Court.  Apparently the minister is unaware that the president converses directly with God.  There's no reason for call waiting since Dubya's got the hotline to heaven.

Crony Phony Baloney
This isn't news yet, but it will be.  The Bush appointee in charge of pandemic response in the Department of Homeland Security is Assistant Secretary for Public Health Emergency Preparedness, Mr. Stewart Simonson.  Simonson was appointed by President Bush in 2003.  Assistant Secretary Simpson is lawyer who graduated from the University of Wisconsin in 1994.  He served as legal counsel to Tommy Thompson while he was governor of Wisconsin and then followed Thompson to Washington when the governor was appointed as head of Health and Human Services. Simonson’s bio at HHS states that “from 2001-2003, he was the HHS Deputy General Counsel and provided legal advice and counsel to the Secretary on public health preparedness matters. Prior to joining HHS, Simonson served as corporate secretary and counsel for AMTRAK.”  So, when the bird flu pandemic strikes, hopefully the trains will be running on time so you can get your ass out of town.  Or, you can sue the flu.

 

Propaganda Pander
Democratic senators on Thursday pressed for a criminal fraud investigation of the Bush administration's hiring of a commentator to promote its education agenda.  Congressional auditors concluded last week that the Education Department engaged in illegal "covert propaganda" by hiring conservative talking head Armstrong Williams to endorse the No Child Left Behind Act without requiring him to disclose he was paid to do so.  There won't be any investigation folks, not with the GOP controlling both the House and the Senate.  Crime does pay, but in this case it's only 186,000 of your tax dollars.

 

Ignite! Blasts Off
Kremlin outcast billionaire Boris Berezovsky and Neil Bush, the scandal-tainted brother of the U.S. president, have joined forces in an educational software company that they are trying to promote in the former Soviet Union.  You may recall Neil's infamy first drew attention during the Silverado Savings and Loan scandal, which went belly up in 1988, costing U.S. taxpayers $1.3 billion.  Neil's new company, Ignite!, produces software designed to provide teachers with interactive material such as videos and computer programs. Some educators criticize Ignite! for dumbing down class work.  With projects just starting in Latin America and South Korea, the company is eager to expand into Russia because of it’s size.  Keep a sharp eye out for spontaneous com-Bush-tion burning up your U. S. Department of Education tax dollars.  You know they will, because they think you aren't.

 

Lotta Re Insurance
Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers's former tenure as chairwoman of the Texas Lottery Commission includes a key connection between her dual roles with the lottery commission and with the re-election campaign of then-Governor George W. Bush. While Miers was chairwoman of the commission, the former Texas Lottery Commission executive director filed suit, claiming that he was fired to ensure allegations were not made public that then-Governor Bush had gained acceptance into the Texas Air National Guard in 1968 as a result of political favors. At roughly the same time -- and also during her tenure as chairwoman in her state job -- Miers was paid $19,000 by Bush's re-election campaign to investigate Bush's Guard record in order to deflect allegations that Bush received preferential treatment.  Oh, the questions!  Is legal genius Miers extorting the president to become a Supreme? Is Dubya keeping Harriet happy to avoid restoring Dan Rather's credibility?  This is better than anything J. R. ever did on Dallas.

 

Remember the Alamo
This one is a little complicated.  I will try to keep it short.  Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers may be Supreme material after all.  Miers and her legal team successfully persuaded a judge to take what her brief described as a "broad and inclusive" reading of the Constitution. The 12th Amendment to the Constitution lays out a number of regulations for the Electoral College. The rule in question says a state's delegation can't vote for presidential and vice presidential candidates who are both from the electors' home state.  The 12th Amendment sat silently on the books for 196 years until the Bush-Cheney ticket, after falling 543,895 votes short of the Gore-Lieberman ticket, nevertheless stood poised to claim 271 electoral votes to the Democrats' 266.  Three Texas voters filed suit under what they called the Constitution's Habitation Clause, seeking to prevent the state's 32 electoral votes from going to the Republicans. George W. Bush, then the state's governor, was undoubtedly a Texan despite his being birthed in Connecticut. But the plaintiffs also alleged that Mr. Cheney lived in Dallas as chief executive of Halliburton Co. while Mr. Cheney contended he was a Wyomingite.  Like any good defense lawyer, Ms. Miers first fought to keep the case from being heard, arguing that the voters had no legal standing. According to transcripts of a telephone conference call with Judge Fitzwater and attorneys seven days later, Ms. Miers said she was speaking "on behalf of Governor Bush."  Rather than wait weeks, the three Republican-appointed judges returned in minutes a decision for the Bush-Cheney ticket. The instant ruling is attributed in part to Ms. Miers's "great presentation."  Of the nine Supreme Court justices, Ms. Miers might be the only one who's argued a 12th Amendment case before an appellate court.  As a native son of Texas, I am offended that either George W. Bush or Dick "Dipstick" Cheney ever set foot in the great state of Texas.  As for Supreme-to-be-or-not-to-be Harriet Miers, all I can say is remember the Alamo.  Draw your line in the sand, step over it, see who follows you.  If you aren't joined by the likes of William B. Travis, David Crockett and Jim Bowie, and I am obligated to tell you that there are no such men of honor in today's White House, then stand alone for obliteration.  Where you are born is of lesser importance than your character, evidenced by those you choose as friends, allies and clients.  The General Santa Ana winds of politics shall sweep you away, because you set your anchor in Bushit, not deep in the heart of Texas.

October 7, 2005
Humor in the News

Moly Hackerel
President George W. Bush told Palestinian ministers that God had told him to invade Afghanistan and Iraq - and create a Palestinian State, a new BBC series reveals.  In Elusive Peace: Israel and the Arabs, a major three-part series on BBC TWO, Abu Mazen, Palestinian Prime Minister, and Nabil Shaath, his Foreign Minister, describe their first meeting with President Bush in June 2003.  Nabil Shaath says: "President Bush said to all of us: 'I'm driven with a mission from God. God would tell me, "George, go and fight those terrorists in Afghanistan." And I did, and then God would tell me, "George, go and end the tyranny in Iraq …" And I did. And now, again, I feel God's words coming to me, "Go get the Palestinians their state and get the Israelis their security, and get peace in the Middle East." And by God I'm gonna do it.'"  More than likely Dubya was talking with Jack Daniels.

 

Fiddling While
At the height of Rome's decay, Emperors would appoint unqualified candidates to high office. Caligula appointed his horse to the Senate, where the horse enjoyed the reputation as the wisest and least harmful of that august body.  Bush has nominated his mare, Harriett.

 

Workin' Mom
When Karen Hughes, George Bush's new hearts-and-minds czar, made her debut trip to the Middle East last week, she repeatedly referred to herself as a "working mom." Hughes, who was sworn in on Sept. 9 as the State Department's undersecretary for public diplomacy, visited Egypt, Saudi Arabia and Turkey and used the phrase to showcase her concern for women's empowerment.  Hughes did not, however, elaborate on what kind of work she's been doing since leaving Washington three years ago to spend more time with her husband and teenage son in Texas. According to the financial disclosure form Hughes filed in preparation for taking the new job, she earned $1.8 million between January 2004 and March 14, 2005, when Bush named her to the new post. Between her appointment and swearing-in, Hughes took in $450,000.  Surely she's not that $2,000-an-hour hooker arrested in New York last week?

 

Test Tickled Pink
Gregg Miller mortgaged his home and maxed out his credit cards to mass produce his invention — prosthetic testicles for neutered dogs.  Miller has sold more than 150,000 of his Neuticles, more than doubling his $500,000 investment. The silicone implants come in different sizes, shapes, weights and degrees of firmness.  There aren't many dogs actually using Miller's invention, but they are very popular with senators and congressmen who can't take a bite out of crime with the Bush administration.

 

Aren't Juries Grand
Karl Rove is returning to the CIA leak grand jury to testify for a fourth time, a move legal experts call a desperation for poor Karl.  One expert who has demonstrated he has some decent sources on this story made this prediction: "at least three high level Bush Administration personnel indicted and possibly one or more very high level unindicted coconspirator."  There may be hope for democracy after all if roto-rooter meets Turdblossom.

 

Squeeky Wheels
Two Democratic senators urged President George W. Bush to use his clout with top energy companies to get price breaks for US consumers at the gasoline pump.  Senator Chuck Schumer and fellow Democrat Barbara Mikulski urged the president to convene a summit at the White House of oil and gas company CEOs, and urge them to "be good corporate citizens" by lowering their prices.  Chuck and Barb apparently don't realize that Big Oil owns the White House.  They are letting George use it, assuming he does what he's told.